What started as a random fluke turned into a brand
I wasn’t always Yogasini.
I was this shy, timid, under confident, suffering from social anxiety kind of person.
Second guessed my self !
People’s opinions mattered.
That’s what I was
After a series of misfortunes, I made a hobby into a passion. All by chance !
In January 2016, I was jobless, broke, and heart broken. I spent 5 years of my life learning and harnessing a trade that me so unhappy, that one day I got up and quit.
I won’t call it an insipid decision. I never did fit it into the film world. I wasn’t too arty nor was I dim witted. My thought process wasn’t too intellectual but nor was it backward . I was promised jobs, and made to do menial work in the hopes of becoming a permanent employee. They remained hopes! I was paid peanuts for working 16 hours straight, and at times I was swindled out of payments. It is true that in every profession you have to struggle. There are no silver spoons waiting for you and thats how it should be. But I was a hard worker, I worked for very long hours, under horrible conditions for peanuts. I spent 5 years trying to make it in a profession that gave me no satisfaction. I got assignments one after the other, but every time I said yes to any one of them, it was half heartedly. I finally started making some money , but by then I was fried. The money was no conciliation for my battered mind and soul.
How important is happiness v/s how important is making money ?
One fine day I got up and decided that I was not going back to work. Only in my case, I didn’t have a back up plan, no contingency , no daddy’s business to join. I was so desperate to leave this line, that I couldn’t think through. I had no idea what I was going to do next.
A well rounded person is someone who’s work life and personal life are both sorted. With my work life going up in flames, my personal life was at stake. A staunch feminist, I don’t see a point to marriage. I laugh at the notion that a man will complete me. But my opinions don’t stand strong against the society, do they ?! One and only child that too a girl must settle down. Even at the cost of her happiness. I have realised that when push comes to shove, people usually end up making really bad decisions. My decision to get married to a man who hurt me so badly in the past, was just so that I could escape my parents and the everyday nagging marriage conversation. A part of my brain refused to see logic. So excited to spend the rest of my life with a man who was very qualified, good to look at, well spoken well read and to top it off an investment banker…. I forgot, or what my brain forgot was how he treated me in our 3 year relationship.
He was the guy who made shit tons of money. But when his girlfriend who could barely afford food wanted a bar of snickers, he conveniently forgot or was too busy to get. He was the guy who said, “your parents must have kept a big dowry for you right “. He was the guy who left me all one in England for Christmas, because he wanted to spend it with his friends back home. I can list 100 things he said and did that would make your toes curl. But all that is in the past. People do change, become better versions of themselves. They grow up right ? ! The fact of the matter is people don’t change, situations around them change, making them seem as if they have changed.
I had spent my early 20’s with this man, who had treated me like shit and when the time came to decide who to settle down with, I chose this man again. The saying a known devil is better than an unknown applied beautifully over here. Only if my logical side of the brain had kicked in and told me that you broke up with him for a reason. When it comes to love what has logic got to do with it, right !
Well it does, because even though the logical side of my brain remained dormant during this whole interval, it kept on sending signals that something somewhere was off. I voiced my grievances to this man who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. A normal human being would make the effort to respond, not brush it aside as inconsequential. A normal human being would hear you out, not behave as if he is too busy and has no time for your emotions. A normal human being on hearing that this is not feeling right, wouldn’t say, “Oh now you have the chance to go sleep with other men”.
You be the judge now, was he or was he not a normal human being ?
He was or is a bad man. For him these comments were normal. His words didn’t hurt me, because of the simple reason that they weren’t true. What hurt me, or what put me in the worst phase of my life, was that I let him put me in this situation. He let me think for a split second, that I was a whore. This staunch feminist, who is proud to be a woman, felt disgusted by herself and all because of this guy. When did I give my self respect away ? When did I let him treat me like this ? What I didn’t know then and what I know now is that the day I showed some interest in getting married to him, he thought he had won the battle. He could walk all over me, and because my parents were desperate to parcel me away, he could get away with it. What he still doesn’t know , and I hope he is reading this, ” that you will never ever be able to control me, manipulate me and make me dance to your tunes . How much ever you try !”
So to answer whether I have come around to talking to you ?
Well what do you think ?
Every story has a beginning middle and an end. This is how Yogasini started. She had nothing, she started from nothing and had nothing to look forward to . But what I know now and what I didn’t know then, is that you have you and that’s more than enough
To be continued…